Navigating My Mind Labyrinth in a Pandemic
Politics, pandemics, Earth shattering events, comparison, mindless content, personal pressure, back to comparison, cue anxiety, baby spam after a miscarriage, cue depression; lather, rinse, repeat.
I was burning at both ends, and I needed a break. What I didn't know was, that was okay. I'm going to be honest: after I experienced a loss, it was realllyyyyy hard to be happy for the news moms or those who were expecting because I was so angry that I no longer wasn't. Why me? What did I do wrong? Negative test after negative test. Countless tears. Posting pictures (which is essentially my job), became a process because I was too busy second guessing my self and my talent. I was uninspired and the cycle of pressure of "not sharing, this is my job, omg it's been so long I have to post," started to kick in and I was in my own snowball of anxious-fuckery. What was worse, it was pressure I had put on my self. NO ONE ELSE -- just me, my self and my head.
I decided that I would just stop social media cold turkey, until I knew I was able to start producing quality work again -- pressure free, and at my own standards. Bill Murray said it best, "comparison is a theif of joy." If I was still comparing myself to others while I scrolled, edited and posted -- I knew I wasn't ready. I needed to find myself and my niche again.
So, while I didn't start any DIY projects, get super fit & swole, perfect popular TikTok dances, or reorganize my house top to bottom -- I did learn something from my time away.
I learned what 'It's Okay, to not be Okay,' truly means. I learned that pausing is necessary & encouraged. That motherhood is fucking HARD no matter what age, (and if you have a friend who is a mother/parent or soon to be one, just be there for them because they might be too prideful, or not even know they need your help). I knew that anxiety and depression aren't pretty topics, but I learned that they need to be spoken about; and so I learned how to speak up about them. I learned to ask for help. I learned to be honest and true to my self about who I am, what I can handle and what I really want. And most importantly: I learned that even though I had a super rough season -- I am still one Bad-Ass-Mofo, rockstar mom, who is filled with: strength, compassion, & talent and I can not let it go to waste. There is only one life, and there is only one you. Everyone has something unique to offer. Comparison is a roadblock.
If you made it this far, I appreciate you for listening. It's hard to be so vulnerable but I know I am not the only one who has felt or is feeling this. If you are low and drained and numb -- please reach out. I will listen and help you in the best possible way that I can. Your seasons do not define you, how you handle them does.
Be well <3
